In the Doctor’s Waiting Room
Our focus today isn’t on individual words. Rather, it’s the
combination of words I imagined overhearing while in a doctor’s waiting room….
“Listen up please. The doctor is way behind on his
appointments and we’re looking for three volunteers who are willing to give up
their appointments today. We guarantee that we’ll get you in first thing
tomorrow morning. We’ll also give you a food voucher, a hotel room for tonight,
and a free hysterectomy or any elective surgery for you or an immediate family
member.”
***
“Yes, we have your latest test results but privacy
regulations won’t let us share them with you.”
***
“Good. You’re all checked in. How do you want to pay your
front-desk fee? It’s $27.50. Yes, this is a new fee. What’s it for? Well, it’s
to cover our overheads—our computers, our front-desk phones, appointment
reminder cards: everything needed to help you check in smoothly today and next
time. It’s like the shop fee they charge when you have your car’s oil changed,
or the resort fee at those fancy places. And there’s my salary… No, we
receptionists don’t have to pay for malpractice insurance…”
***
“No, I’m sorry; it’s been a long, long time since we accepted
green stamps to pay one’s bill.”
***
“Yes, we can refer you to a specialist. But off the top of
my head I can’t think of anyone in town who’s a pediatric gerontologist.”
***
“We charge $1,300 for each cataract surgery. Yes, we’re
aware that Dr. Reesley across town charges only $799. But you’re right, he
doesn’t have any openings for six months. We also charge only $799 when we have
no openings.”
***
“What do you mean, you want to change your date of birth?”
***
“I’m afraid you must have misunderstood, Mrs. Swallop: we
don’t give out free urine samples.”
[300 words]
