Word of the Day: "Trick"

 

Word of the Day: “Trick”

Get ready for that onslaught of children who’ll stop by tonight in an act of socially sanctioned extortion, demanding candy under pain of…

Well, of what?

Supposedly some “trick” or other. But do these diminutive extortionists actually have a trick to play on you if you don’t hand over the goodies?

The fact is, nobody seems to know what would happen if you say, “No treat for you tonight: I’m willing to take whatever trick you may have in your repertoire.”

The six-year-old Taylor Swift standing at your front door stares at you, uncomprehending.

“No treat for you; I want you to follow through on what I regard as a good faith offer to trick me if I didn’t treat you.”

Taylor Swift continues to stare. She’s increasingly uneasy. Parent of Taylor Swift, standing about 15 feet away, can’t hear you but notices something’s amiss. Begins to engage parental protection mode. Shines flashlight in your direction without actually blinding you.

Taylor Swift turns, looking for parental help.

“I’m waiting: do you have a trick for me or not?” The fact that you’re a 220-pound man, dressed as Tinker Bell and wearing a Ronald Reagan mask is compounding her confusion.

Parent now walks briskly toward you, to rescue a bewildered Taylor Swift.

Meanwhile, three teenage boys carrying pillow cases, half-filled with candy, approach. They sense something isn’t right. They stop, about 10 feet away. Taylor Swift has by now been rescued by Parent. “Come on, honey, let’s go to the next house.”

First teenager, at a safe distance, calls out, “Trick or treat, mister?”

You reply, “I’ll take a trick. What do you have?”

Second teenager, to companions: “Hey, what’s a ‘trick’?” They leave.

***

Your wife calls from the kitchen: “Are we running out of candy?”

You: “No, not yet.”

[300 words]

 

 

Quiet and Peace

 

Today, Sept. 30, is Agricultural Reform Day in the African island nation of São Tomé and Príncipe. To honor the occasion we bring you a game to enliven those oh-so-boring meetings you have to endure, whether on Zoom or in person. It’s called “Disrupt the Natural Order.”

English has thousands of what we could call idiomatic “couplets.” Think of phrases like raining “cats and dogs,” “law and order,” “peace and quiet,” “cease and desist,” and life’s “ups and downs.” Native speakers of English know the word pairs must come in that order. So the game is for you to plan in advance to introduce two “reversed couplets.” More than that, people will become suspicious.

For example, regarding some problem say that you’ve explored every “cranny and nook.” Or you can assert the need for “order and law” or “quiet and peace.”

By now you have the idea. Inverting these phrases will at the least puzzle your audience; at best, it will rattle them and throw them off balance. They’ll be so focused on the disruption of their known linguistic universe that they will unthinkingly approve your request to increase your budget by 55 percent.

After some practice, you can try introducing a “double-reverse couplet,” such as “Marriage and love go together like a carriage and horse.” This advanced approach should be handled with care, however; people have been known to throw themselves out of a window after hearing phrases that are hauntingly familiar yet are simultaneously totally alien to their ears.

Here are eight more reversed couplets to use.

1.       Call and beck

2.       Pieces and bits

3.       Determined and bound

4.       Every and each

5.       Sundry and all

6.       Abet and aid

7.       Parcel and part

8.       Void and null

Meanwhile, be sound and safe this Agricultural Reform Day.

[300 words]

Fresh Fruit Salad

 

Fresh Fruit Salad

 Columnist Ellen Goodman was drawn to the menu item at an airport restaurant: “Fresh fruit salad.” But when it arrived, she immediately realized that it was straight out of a can. She asked the waitress “what precisely had happened on the way from the menu to the plate.” The waitress replied, “That’s just what we call it.”

Goodman, writing in the Washington Post nearly 40 years ago, lamented how people can play fast and loose with words when it suits them. We’re not talking about euphemisms, where we try to soften the awkwardness of concepts like death (“He passed on…”) or drunkenness (“She’s had one too many”).

No, the phenomenon Goodman encountered involves brazen dishonesty or self-delusion. It’s like me saying that our new pet cocker spaniel is a cat. I always wanted a cat and only grudgingly agreed to have a dog in the house. But I tell people it’s a cat, because “that’s just what I call it.”

Yes, we recognize that all languages are dynamic, and English words are subject to change. Think how the word “gay” has dramatically changed in the past half century. Or think of teenage slang, where today’s connotations could be the opposite from a week ago. (If a teen told me that something was “wicked” I’d need more context to know if that was good or bad.) But for me to say that “black” is “white” or that “night” is “day” will soon bring our discourse to a confused end.

Samuel Becket said that “Words are all we have.” They matter.

We might contend that our words are ours to use as we please. Well, not if I want to avoid confusing our vet when we take in our dog/cat, or not if Ellen Goodman wants her fruit salad fresh.

[300 words]

Who’s On First?—The Update

 

Who’s On First?—The Update

Who’s on first?

They are.

Who, Tom and Dick?

No, Harry.

You said they.

That’s Harry’s preferred pronoun.

What?

Harry’s preferred pronouns: they/them/theirs.

So they’re on first?

Yes.

Anyone on the other bases?

They are.

But you just said they are on first.

They are. That’s Harry.

Who are on the other bases?

They are.

Who are they?

Tom and Dick.

Do they have preferred pronouns?

Yes, I do.

No, I’m talking about Tom and Dick.

Yes.I isTom’s preferred pronoun.

You are? And shouldn’t you say, I am?

No, I am means me. My preferred pronouns are I/me/mine.

I thought we were talking about Tom.

I was. We were talking about me.

You are Tom?

Sort of.  I’m me. Tom is also me.

So who is Dick?

Dick is you.

Me? I’m Dick?

You is Dick’s preferred pronoun now.

What do you mean now?

He used to go by fee/fie/fo/fum. But you can have only three preferred pronouns. Otherwise it can cause confusion.

So I have to honor these pronouns, whether they’re fee/fie/fo/fum or you/you/yours?

Yes; not doing so is impolite.

OK, to recap, they are on first, but they aren’t you or me?

Right.

What are your preferred pronouns?

Your majesty/superglue/kwaak.

But that’s ridiculous. Those aren’t pronouns. You can’t just make up pronouns.

I’m your majesty; I can do what I want.

So instead of saying, “I asked him to give me my AK47,” I’m supposed to say, “Your majesty asked him to give superglue kwaak AK47.”

Right.

That’s gibberish.

But you now know what I mean.

Will other people?

Does that matter?

Won’t all this confuse your coach, Buster.

You mean her.

Her?

Yes, she goes by she/her/hers. Don’t ask. It’s not polite.

Doesn’t this pronoun stuff lead to confusion?

For whom?

Oh, look, whom’s now on first.

[300 words]

Dancing Gate Agents

 

Normally, our words are intended to be received and understood by others. If I say “Hello,” “Where is the warthog?” or “You’re standing on my foot,” I am directing those words at you and have a reasonable expectation that you will understand them. Exceptions: If I’m writing in my journal or making a shopping list, the words aren’t intended for others. Same if I’m singing in the shower or talking to a 3-month-old baby who doesn’t yet understand words in any language.

But what bugs me is the person whose job it is to communicate clearly yet doesn’t. Think of those airline gate agents who announce that “We are now ready to begin boarding flight 646 to Greater Oblivion. At this time we’d like….” But instead, it comes out as “Wearenowreadytobeginboardingflight 646to GreaterOblivion.…” And at this time I’m completely lost. Admittedly, my ears aren’t what they used to be. [Somewhere, a heckler yells, “No, they used to be your nose…”] But this deluge of sounds, delivered by a champion speed-speaker, is lost on me. The gate agent thinks his or her duty is done; the message has been delivered. For all the good it’s done me, this person might as well have said nothing. Instead, I’m frustrated at having missed what could be important information. The agent’s made a fundamental mistake: The task is not to speak, but to ensure that the words were received.

Peter Ustinov said, “Communication is the art of being understood.” If the speaker won’t attend to the “being understood” bit, maybe the novelist Nikos Kazantzakis has the answer. His character, Zorba the Greek, says, “I’ve got a thick skull, boss, I don’t grasp these things easily.  Ah, if only you could dance all that you have just said, then I’d understand . . . .  ”

[300 words]

Of Reintarnation and Mary Poppins

 

Of Reintarnation and Mary Poppins

This week my friend M.J. reminded me of a wonderfully inventive annual competition involving wordplay. One needs to change a single letter in a word to give it a new (and invariably amusing) meaning. Some examples of past entries…

 Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.

Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

Besides the amusement these and other entries offer, I admire the creative minds that produced them. That got me thinking about other kinds of verbal creativity. One finds them in various settings, including headlines. One of my favorites is from the United Kingdom.

When the underdog Caledonian Thistles took on Celtic in a 2000 Scottish Cup soccer match, they unexpectedly won: 3-1. The Sun newspaper announced the Caledonian (or “Caley”) victory as: Super Caley Go Ballistic, Celtic Are Atrocious. (You need to say this aloud and if you still don’t get it, think “Mary Poppins.”) 

Another sports example: The Wimbledon men’s final in 1987 was between the Australian Pat Cash and a Czech, Ivan Lendl. At least one paper headlined the upcoming match by asking, “Will it be Cash or a Czech?” Cash won.

I’ve also long loved repartee, and admired the quick wit some people have in responding to a situation. Take for example former Australian Prime Minister Robert Menzies. He was heckled at a campaign event by a woman who shouted, “I wouldn’t vote for you if you were the Archangel Gabriel.” Menzies’ reply: “If I were the Archangel Gabriel, madam, you would not be in my constituency.”

Then there are those delicious, deliberate ambiguities, like the job reference that says, “It is difficult to say enough good things about this person.”

Or this blog-post, perhaps.

[300 words]

 

 

The Whole Shebang

 

The Whole Shebang

(With recognition to the Monty Python sketch, “You were lucky…” Treat yourself; find it on You Tube.)

Merriam-Webster says the origin of “shebang” is unknown. No matter. What’s of importance to us today is how the word is most commonly used, in the phrase: “the whole shebang.” Why the whole shebang?

But first a quick detour to note the dictionary’s definition of “shebang” as “everything involved in what is under consideration.” OK. But why the whole shebang,,,,?

First voice: “Yes, we had the whole shebang at our house this weekend.”

Second voice: “You were lucky. When we were growing up, when things were good we could afford only half a shebang. We could only dream of having a whole shebang.”

Third voice: “Half a shebang? Sheer luxury. Our sixteenth of a shebang was so small you could fit it in a matchbox. And we had to share it among 17 of us.”

Fourth voice: “You at least had a shebang. Not only did we not have any shebang, we didn’t even have any druthers. I’ll never forget my father at our kitchen cardboard box (we couldn’t afford a table) shaking his head and saying over and over, ‘If I had my druthers.’”

First voice: “Well, my dad said that even though we had a whole shebang, he would far preferred to have had his druthers.”

Third voice: “My dad said he used to have his druthers but lost most of them during Covid.”

Second voice: “You’re lucky he’s still got some. The IRS took all of ours.”

Fourth voice: “At least you got to enjoy yours for a while. We’ve never known what it’s like to have any druthers in the first place.”

First voice: “Well, come over to my place and I’ll show them to you, the whole shebang.”

[300 words]